Painful humility

We're going through a sort of rough patch. There have been several occasions where I've felt like we've been kicked while we're down.

See, we're broke. Not the kind of broke that people always seem to be. I mean really broke...

Some bills are being left unpaid...
Food in the fridge or cupboards are thanks to family, friends, WIC, and free coupons from Kroger...
Derek rode over 100 miles on his bike this week because there was no money for gas...

That kinda broke.

And I've had a pretty crappy attitude about it. (Don't ask Derek, he'd probably describe it slightly different than "pretty crappy").

Of course God has yet to leave us without what we need. But for whatever reason, I tend to have the attitude that one of these days He's going to. Even though He won't. I know it.

Are you getting a little insight into my ridiculous attitude?

So, it's yesterday. I promptly got the mail like I always do. I've always loved getting mail and when people make fun of that (and yes several people have!) I always say, "I'm waiting for that random, unexpected check to arrive." Or some kind of fun package is always nice ;)

Two pieces of very boring looking mail, made out to Derek, was all we got. This is actually very normal. But on this particular day, with the help of my bad attitude, I decided I was giving up. Mail was no longer going to be exciting for me. It had failed me so many times. I tossed the mail on the table and trudged away gloomy about one less thing to get excited about each day.

It's evening. Derek is home. I decided it was leftovers night (which means we're all hungry). Derek opens one piece of mail. Not a bill! Something to be grateful for. Then he opens the other piece. He stares at it for a few minutes. Then whips out his phone and starts dialing a number on it.

L - "What is it?"
D - "I don't know. I'm calling to ask."
L - "Are they asking for money?"

In true Derek fashion, he doesn't respond. He just tosses it to me.

There it was. That "random, unexpected" check I'd been waiting for my entire life.

$310 worth of check.

"For I confess my iniquity; I am full of anxiety because of my sin." (Ps. 38:18)

No, I didn't instantly confess. But let me tell you, I was humbled in the worst way.

It hurt. Like physically hurt.

I fought it for a couple minutes. I cried for a couple minutes. Then I hugged and kissed my husband, apologized and told him I love him.

And asked for pizza. And soda. And gas for the car.

And he delivered.

And so did my God.

I've been torn in a beautiful way... painfully humbled and graciously provided for.

Ouch!
Phew.

"Be gracious to me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness; according to the greatness of Your compassion blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin. For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. Against You, You only, I have sinned... 

"Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation, and sustain me with a willing spirit...

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise."

(Ps. 51)

"Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, for His lovingkindness is everlasting." (Ps. 136:1)